For years I have been dreaming about recording some of the newer songs I’ve written. To tell you the honest truth, after I recorded my last album (A Part of Me) in 2011, I spent the years following that playing shows around New York City and doing small tours throughout the country and I enjoyed it so much. I loved creating songs, and I loved playing music with other musicians, and I especially loved connecting with people through the music that I was creating. It was magical.
For some reason though, the time and energy that I invested in my music started to decline. I don’t even know entirely what happened, but it was almost as though the fire, the energy, the drive to continue making, producing, and sharing my music…it sadly diminished over time and I started shift my focus to other things. The truth is that my husband and I had been wanting to have children when we moved to New York, which was in 2009. At the time, I didn’t know very much about how difficult it would actually be for us to have children, so I wasn’t too stressed about it. After a few years of unsuccessful attempts, however, it started to feel really painful. I tried to fill the void I felt with other creative things that brought me joy, such as making and sharing music. Although, after a while…I just couldn’t keep fooling myself. It’s hard for me to even describe or put to words how devastated I was and how painful the yearning to have children started to feel for me. I so much wanted to “start our family,” and as the void grew larger with time, my focus and energy shifted from making music to making babies. (Haha, that sounds awkward.)
For those reading this that know about fertility treatments, you may also know that those treatments can be a bit exhausting and draining in every sense. Not only physically, but emotionally, financially and even spiritually…I felt I had to “give up” my music in a way to focus wholeheartedly on trying to create life. It wasn’t entirely the healthiest approach, which I realize now but at the time it felt right and I was willing to do anything. So I stopped. I still wrote songs, and dreamed about what it would be like to perform them or share them with others; but I didn’t have it in me to really follow through on those dreams at the time.
Then, last year I reached my breaking point. I had had it. I couldn’t put my life on hold any longer, and I was ready to progress and grow and move on from what felt like hell at the time. I was tired of feeling stuck, and I was ready to start living in the present instead of always living for some future day…that “someday” when we have children. I used to think to myself, “Someday, when we have kids…then we’ll send out Christmas cards, or go on camping trips, or record a children’s album, or move into a bigger apartment.” Then in 2014, I got to a point where I just felt like I had been putting off my life for too long and it didn’t feel right anymore at all. I felt out of balance and I knew I needed to make some changes. My sweet sweet husband was so supportive, and in a whim, we moved from New York to Idaho so that I could start graduate school, be closer to family and live closer to the mountains.
Then…after moving to Idaho, we bought a house and a puppy, I started school, my husband started a new job, and I started to play music a little more often. I had wanted to finish recording an EP that I had started the previous Summer, but didn’t know how to fund it all since most of our extra funds had been going toward (and would still be going toward) fertility treatments. So, after much debate…I decided to launch a Kickstarter campaign in hopes that I could get back into the studio to finish this EP at June Audio, which is a pretty killer studio. I’m really excited about sharing these songs, and hope to be able to.
The other reason that I am choosing to record these songs now is that I am actually expecting two baby girls come the late fall and winter. That whole process and experience has been a beautiful one, but that will have to be for another post on another day. For now, just know that I am really excited to be where I am; I feel so full of love, gratitude and pure joy to be here now, and I really hope that I get to finish this EP and share it with you all.
You can check out my Kickstarter campaign by clicking on this link here. Hopefully there will be some backer rewards that suit your fancy.
Thank you so much for your love and support in all of this!